Unforgivable Deeds
by x.ethereal
Summary: Narcissa Black had never meant to marry Lucius Malfoy. She had set her sights on someone else long before she met her husband-to-be; someone whom her family would never have accepted, yet someone she had loved with a burning passion: Severus Snape.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

There are some things that we do in life that we can never take back; no matter how much we regret them. There are some people in life that we can never get back, despite how many times we apologize or how many times we beg. There are mistakes in life that we can never correct.

Love, being one of the strongest emotions a person can possess, is one of those things. If you love someone more than life itself and you let them go, you can never get them back. Love can cause you to do the craziest things. Love may very well become the source of your biggest mistakes.

This is a story of how a girl found true love and then threw it away. This is a story of how she came to understand the true meaning of love and its importance and why so many people believe in it. It's a story of heartbreak and of unrequited love but above all, a romance tinged with missed opportunities and regretful mistakes.

I am Narcissa Malfoy.

And this is my story.


	2. Musing Over Unrequited Feelings

I stood at the edges of the Black Lake, my feet in the cold, dark waters. The waves gently lapped all around me, making me sway with the calm current. My eyes were shut as I kept a firm grip on my robes, trying not to think about anything but the calm feeling that was being aroused within me from the water.

The pebbles beneath me were uncomfortable, but I tried not to think about them. I focused on getting every thought out of my head. I didn't want to think about the pupils in my classes or about either of my sisters, especially Bella. I didn't want to think about how lonely I was, how friendless I was or how my parents despaired of me in every way possible.

My eyes fluttered open and I shivered slightly. It was cold out there. Being mid-March, the lake wasn't exactly very warm. Only during the summer months could you count on wading in the Black lake. My eyes looked out over the top of the peaceful water, until I saw the horizon at the end, with gently sloping mountains on either side. I wondered what it would be like to live on those mountains: alone, sheltered and encompassed by that mountainous beauty that I desired.

"Cissy? Are you there?"

I jumped and hastily tried to wade out of the water, succeeding in only making the edges of my robes wet. I stumbled out of the water, scratching my feet on the slippery rocks beneath me. I forced my shoes on, just in time to see my sister approaching me out of the shadows of the forest, a bemused expression on her face. I felt my teeth chattering. Most likely I would get a cold later on in the day.

"What on earth are you doing here?" Bella asked, daintily coming down the forest path towards me, her dark curls blowing wildly around her head in the breeze. She stopped in front of me, exasperation obvious on her pretty face. I sighed and wrapped my arms around me as I settled down to sit on the rocks. Bella simply eyed them with a disgusted expression. "Well? I don't think you'd have come here without a reason."

I mumbled something into my arm before answering her. Bella was younger than me, but I was frightened of her more than anyone else. I dared not answer one of her questions. "I was sick of having everyone pointing at me and laughing so I decided to come here. It's quiet. I like it here."

Bella's eyes flared with malice and mild excitement as she took in my words. "Didn't I tell you what to do when they annoy you? Just hex them or use an Unforgivable Curse. It's simple." Bella's eyes took on that hungry look that she always got whenever she thought of dark magic and illegal magic. I wondered how she could talk about it with such ease, when I always cringed at the slightest mention of an Unforgivable curse. "Bella, I don't have the courage to hex people. And don't talk about dark magic. Please."

I looked down at the dirt around me and hugged my knees to my chest. My long blonde hair was flying into my mouth but I didn't care. I was too numb to care anymore, about anything. A few moments later, Bella's arm was around me and she was hugging me slightly. "I'm sorry Cissy," she whispered, her eyes turning softer as she looked at me, "I was only trying to help. But you need to fight those-" she searched for a word bad enough to call all the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs who regularly mocked me, "-those mudbloods. If you only followed in my footsteps and just called them mudbloods, they wouldn't do that to you. Want me to ask Rodolphus to hex some for you?" she suggested.

I cringed in horror at her words. The only person I feared more than Bellatrix was her boyfriend, Rodolphus Lestrange. Bellatrix and he ruled the school with their superior dark magic and knowledge of curses. Both of them being exceedingly attractive and malevolent, they were a perfect match.

I observed my sister as she continued to talk, lovingly talking of curses and dark magic. She was different to me in every way. While she was dark haired and had a hair of mad curls, I was pale blonde and had straight hair. Bella's tanned complexion was in contrast to my pale, ivory one. She was beautiful and outgoing, while I was plain and talked to no one but myself for fear of being publicly mocked. Despite being a Black, I never mustered the courage to speak out against anyone like my family did. Even my elder sister Andromeda, who I had always thought to be something of a softie, could beat up anybody who challenged her or made fun of her family. But me? I couldn't talk back to a first year, let alone curse a fellow fifth year.

It took me a minute to realize that Bella had stopped speaking and was surveying me through narrowed lids. "Narcissa, you haven't been the same since last year. I mean, you were always quiet and…not very socializing, I suppose," Bella remarked slowly, trying not to hurt my already bruised ego, "But lately you seem so different. If you'd only go out with someone or go out to Hogsmeade, I know you'd feel a lot better. Why don't you come with us tomorrow? Rodolphus, Yaxley, Emily and I are going down there."

I felt my stomach do some unpleasant lurches. It was bad enough going to Hogsmeade by myself or with Andromeda, but with Bella's friends it would be unbearable. I knew they wouldn't make fun of me like other Slytherins but that was only because they were afraid of Bella's wrath. And did Bella really live in a world where boys asked me out? I was too ugly for anyone to even bother looking at. I only wanted one person and he was too busy falling in love with another girl. A girl who wasn't worthy of his affections.

"No thanks Bella," I mumbled back, standing up and looking towards the castle, "I'll stay in my dormitory and finish my Transfiguration homework." Bella shrugged her shoulders and jumped up as well, clutching her wand. She ran a hand through her frizzy curls and said lazily, "I'm not going to bother persuading you anymore Cissy. I'm going to go have a duel and most likely beat up some worthless mudblood Gryffindor. After all, that's what they're for." She gave a defiant nod and then turned around, heading back towards the castle.

I sighed, looking at her disappearing figure. I didn't want to turn into an older version of Bella- criticizing everyone who wasn't a Black and looking down on everyone who wasn't of pure birth and who was a Gryffindor. I knew it was only a matter of time, though, before I became her. Bella was the only one of my sister's who talked to me. Andromeda spent her time defying our parents, trying to show them she didn't care about her Black, pure blood status in magical society. She had no time for sisterly chats. And anyway, Bella hated Andromeda. I didn't want to get on Bella's bad side, so I always pretended to hate my elder sister too.

I ran a finger on a stone that was next to me. I felt the grainy, rough texture beneath my fingertips and thought of Severus. Severus, the boy I secretly loved with a passion that would never be gone, no matter what happened. Severus, the Slytherin prefect who spent his time falling more and more in love with his best friend, that mudblood Lily Evans.

A few tears pricked the corners of my eyes and I squeezed them shut, urging them to go away. I hardly cried anymore. When I had first arrived at Hogwarts and people had first discovered my pathetic self, I had always rushed up to my bed and wept buckets. But afterwards I had learned to bottle it up inside or write it in my journal, so that no one could see my emotions. I didn't want them thinking me weaker than I already was.

Despite my secret attempts to win Severus' affection, I had never persevered. I was the only girl who talked to him, besides Lily, the only girl who bothered asking him about himself and taking an interest in his life. Everybody else mocked him and laughed whenever the Marauders made fun of him every Saturday. I was one of the few who didn't laugh, the few who afterwards came up to him and apologized softly. He hardly acknowledged me however. He ran after Lily, desperately trying to make her fall in love with him, so she could return his unrequited love.

My insides burned as I thought of her. I could never compete with her. I was not beautiful like her, or even slightly smart. She was intelligent, top of her class in everything, with all the teachers adoring her. My teachers like my own parents, despaired of me and shook their heads when they caught me daydreaming aimlessly during lessons. She had all the boys running after her, dying to impress her. Who wouldn't fall in love with her? She was perfect, a goddess among the fifth year girls.

I stood up and started making my way back to the castle, my arms wrapped tightly around me, as if they would protect me from the jeering remarks of my fellow classmates. I hated walking back to the castle on Saturday afternoons. The vast majority of the students seemed to enjoy sitting outside on the lawns near the lake, flirting, giggling and doing their homework with their friends. I walked quickly down the lawns, trying to ignore the remarks that were thrown at me. As I flew by in a blur, I noticed Severus and Lily sitting together underneath an oak tree. The look Severus was giving her, a look full of adoration and love, made my eyes start pricking again. I gulped, trying to push down the tears that were forcing themselves up.

I entered the castle and slowed down a little. Since most students were outside I didn't need to worry about running into anyone except the teachers. And even they hardly paroled the corridors.

Apparently I was wrong. As I slipped down the staircase to where the dungeons were located, I was met with Professor Slughorn. He was out of breath from running after me, I could see, his chest rising and falling as he huffed and puffed. He took out a clean handkerchief and wiped his brow and face, trying to hide his red cheeks. I felt immensely sorry for him. Professor Slughorn was a sweet old man, but I knew his weight problem would get the better of him one day. I kept waiting for the day when Peeves would come bouncing into our class room and announce that Slughorn had dropped dead of a heart attack.

"Professor," I said meekly, stopping on the staircase. I sighed. I knew it would be ages before the staircase finally swiveled around to the dungeon corridor but I pretended like I hadn't noticed. "Good afternoon."

"Narcissa! Good afternoon to you too, dear. How are you doing today? I'm afraid I came to talk to you about your potions work, dear…you're really letting it go…" Professor Slughorn, besides being head of Slytherin, was my Potions teacher, "…and I really need to talk to you about it. You hardly do your homework anymore and I don't remember the last time you completed your potion in class!" He stood looking up at me (Professor Slughorn was very, very short indeed) a concerned expression on his face. I blushed. I hated it when people looked at me. "Sorry Professor," I mumbled, looking down at the floor.

"Dear. Oh dear."

Professor Slughorn positioned his hand on my arm and smiled good naturedly up at me. "Narcissa, you know you've always been one of my favorite students, because you're so quiet and polite. And though I know you've never done very well academically, you always did try your best. What's happened?"

Well, professor, this is what happened. What's the point of living when you have no friends, when you're afraid to death of your little sister and when your parents are ashamed to call you their daughter? Add a heart ache to that and you have your solution. I couldn't say that out loud however, so I simply answered, "I don't know."

He sighed and took his hand off my arm before patting me. "I can see this is getting us nowhere, Narcissa. Do stop by my office tomorrow after class and I'll see you in detention next week after the Slug Club party. Don't forget will you?" He nodded and then set off up the stairs and slipped away behind a corner. I shrugged my shoulders at the ground, before hurrying up the moving staircase. After all, what was another week of detention to the hundreds I had already? No difference.

I wasn't a bad student. I didn't deliberately not do my homework. But every time I tried to do my work, someone would taunt me and I'd run up to my room and stare out of my window with glassy eyes, keeping back unshed tears. I was smart- inside. I just never showed it. If I bothered, I could have been top of my class in nearly everything. But I had given up on life a long time ago, and I wasn't going to pick up those torn threads anymore.

After uttering the password, I pushed open the Common Room door and entered, closing it quietly behind me. A few Slytherin boys were already sitting in front of the burning fire, but I didn't mind them so much. They were scrawny little first year boys, all crowding around a magazine one of them had bought. They seemed to be enjoying it, because every few seconds one of them would point at something and cheer loudly. I rolled my eyes again, and sat down in a padded arm chair, far from their gang. I didn't want company. I preferred my own.

My eyes roved around the Common Room. It was flooded in green colors, from the ceiling above (a dark, murky green because the Slytherin rooms were below the lake) to the jade green marble floor. Every piece of furniture in it was green, including the wood around the fireplace and the carpeting on the staircase. I relaxed a little, letting myself be taken over by the immense greenness in which I sat.

The Common Room door suddenly creaked open and I jumped, hurrying to hide behind my chair. It was useless protection but it was all I had. I spotted who it was and humiliatingly climbed out from behind it, my cheeks scarlet but not because of embarrassment but from the actual person. "Severus…" I whispered softly, my cheeks flaring more. I knew it was more noticeable than ever on my pale cheeks but I didn't know how to stop.

I hadn't meant for him to hear me but he had. He glanced over at me, his own cheeks faintly red. "Er- Hello- um- hi Narcissa," he managed to stammer. His cheeks flushed deeper and then he ran up the staircase. I collapsed into my armchair, my eyes fixed on the floor. Severus didn't like me, though. He just acted that way around everyone, because he was always being embarrassed by the Marauders and he couldn't talk to anyone without blushing and running away. I knew if it weren't for Lily, Severus would have probably killed himself ages ago. She was his only reason for living. And yet did he know how often I sat and pined for him?

I didn't know what even attracted me to him. He wasn't that handsome. If I wanted handsome, I had to look no further than Lucius Malfoy, the seventh year who had graduated from Hogwarts two years ago. Every girl in Slytherin had fallen madly in love with him except me. I didn't understand myself. Severus had greasy, dark hair that fell into his eyes. His eyes, such a deep black that they were unfathomable. They were beautiful- to me anyways. And I knew how strongly defined his facial muscles were- how it was sharply cut out. He was intelligent and polite- I knew because Professor Slughorn was always patting him on the back and telling him that people would walk all over him if he didn't learn to be more outgoing.

But I didn't know the real Severus. I didn't know who he really was inside. That honor belonged entirely to Lily. She had known him since they were both only eight and had grown up with him her whole life. I wanted to become his friend, so maybe I'd learn who he was inside and so he could like me as a person too. I didn't want friends but Severus was the one person who I would have died for. I was that in love with him. And because of him, my heart would break into a thousand pieces.


End file.
